Years ago I flew to Denver to visit a friend for an extra long weekend. I stayed with him and and his family, an amazing wife and three glorious young children. He had the sort of family you just wanted to be a part of, and for that weekend, he welcomed me into the warmth of their fold.
On the Saturday we climbed into their people carrier and took a sunny drive to Boulder. I had been smiling ever since I arrived. The great company and stunning countryside, along with the chill vibe of the places they took me made my time there feel like a truly nurturing experience. Just before lunch I emerged from the Ku Cha House of Tea after purchasing a divine mango green, when I asked my friend what he thought the secret was to a great marriage.
“Can you LIVE with her!” He spat back at me.
Clearly I had asked the wrong moment to ask my question. If I had asked him the day before I would have received a different response. If I had only ever witnessed that moment, on that day and at that time, I’d have a completely different view of the relationship he had with his wife. We need to be careful of such moments.
We see an amazing picture of someone on instagram, but don’t see the thousands of pictures that were discarded; we see the incredible basketball shot on YouTube, but don’t see the hundreds of attempts that failed; we see an athlete’s success in crossing the finishing line, but don’t see the day after day of waking at stupid hours, turning down social invites from friends, and the intensity of their training regime.
Our memories are commonly of moments. We don’t remember the amazing vacation so much as the stupid thing we all did on that amazing vacation. It’s easy to focus on the moment, but moments don’t happen unless we put ourselves in the right place, at the right time, and then, most importantly, we put ourselves into the right state.
When we find the person we want to be with, they put us into this right state. We feel at peace, we feel we are capable of more, we feel centered,… we feel love. But those feelings can ebb and flow with our mood. When we find ourselves experiencing an emotional ebb tide we need a buttress, and that buttress is a decision, the decision that this is the person you want to be with, that you need to be with. The decision lifts us up and reminds us of why this person is for us, until the flood tide of emotions returns, along with those warm fuzzies.
Our sense of smell is intimately linked to our memories. It’s below freezing here in Chicago today, right now, in this moment, and I have brewed myself a pot of tea as a buttress against the winter. It’s a pot of mango green tea. It’s a rare treat. Every time I enjoy it I think of my friend, I think of the great family he has, and I think of why his relationship works so well.
