Some people seem to be born confident. I used to think there was something in the way they were wired that helped them be bold, in much the same way some people seem to be naturally good at sports, or appear to be able to ace a test with little effort. It may come easier to some, but confidence can be cultivated. It isn’t until after I left school that I learned this.
Yesterday I mentioned David JP Phillips and his presentation on storytelling, perhaps because on the same day I also saw a short video he gave on cultivating confidence. His response – and I’m paraphrasing – was to give yourself micro wins. The analogy that came to my mind was building a snowball. If confidence is a snowball then when it gains sufficient mass and momentum from the accumulation of all our little victories, we get to a point where even a dent won’t slow us down.
I had taken such an approach when I wanted to develop my presentation skills. It was initially a private and measured process. I would take myself through my presentation in my head, then out loud, but always alone. When my confidence was sufficient I would deliver it to myself in front of a mirror, which was incredibly unsettling at first, but increasingly less so. Again I would get comfortable and whenever I did so I knew it was time for me to stretch myself. I settled into a kind of Goldilocks Zone of Discomfort (can I trademark that term?), by being not too comfortable, but just comfortable enough.
I then recorded my presentations and played them back, which was far worse than standing in front of a mirror. As my confidence grew I would deliver them to a friend, then a small group, and so on. The first formal deliveries to a large group went well, and had put enough under my belt that when I had a bad event I could not only reassure myself it was an aberration, I could also work out why; most often my delivery was poor because of complacency in my preparation.
Simon Sinek takes a different angle entirely on confidence. He thinks of confidence not as being something you get or build, but rather as something you give. When someone is uncertain, you support them. Our friends gives us confidence. Every time we wobble, our friends right us, like a soothing of our troubled waters when our ship sways.
“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” ~ Maya Angelou
Imagine what we can achieve if we combine micro wins with good friends. But if those friends aren’t available, be your own good friend. I’m guilty of beating myself up when I get things wrong, but that doesn’t put me in the positive state I need to be successful. My Tai Chi teacher was probably paraphrasing Maya Angelou when he said, “when we know better, we do better.” It took me a while to understand what he was getting at. He would always say it after I messed up, and after I would say to myself, “I KNOW this.” His amused look clearly conveyed his assessment that I didn’t know it. With the passing of time I have reinterpreted his look to say that it was clear I didn’t know it… YET. I guess confidence can be learned.
