“What if it’s going to be awful?”
“Yeah, but what if it’s going to be amazing?”
It was over half my life ago when I read one of Tony Robbins’ books, in which he spoke about the power of questions. His energetic intensity didn’t sit well with my British sensibilities (and sensitivities) but I was able to see through the style and pick out the gems on offer. The power of questions was one gem I embraced instantly.
The way we respond to a situation is affected by the way we face it. In his book, if I recall correctly, Tony imagines two people about to take a leap into the unknown. If one asks themselves if it will lead to something awful, and the other asks if it might lead to something amazing, the second person is more likely to take that leap. The question is the key. The questions we ask ourselves can chart the course of our lives.
Just like the two people taking a leap into the unknown, I’ve used these questions to overcome fear and apprehension.
When faced with the decision on whether to move to another country I used a raft of questions, not to determine wether I ought to go, but to encourage myself to do so – by this stage I didn’t need to weigh up the pros and cons with an objective scoring process, I already had a strong sense of what I wanted to do but I was just too nervous to do it.
“Won’t I regret it more if I don’t go? What would 90 year old me wish they had done? Are there more opportunities in the familiar, or the unfamiliar?” The questions ran on. Of course I went. The questions just made the decision more comfortable.
When you know what you want the answer to be it’s easy to find the right question. In the instance above I was just having a conversation with a braver version of myself.
Sometimes these questions can be attributed to personas exhibiting the qualities we lack in the moment. When I beat myself up, for getting something wrong, compassionate me shows up and starts asking supportive questions. But I’ve not just used these questions to compensate for a lack of some quality in the moment, I’ve also used them to cultivate and ingrain new habits that serve me better. The question I used the longest was, “what is the healthier option?”
It’s evening meal time and I’m not sure what to eat. “What is the healthier option?”
Should I wait for the bus or start waking? “What is the healthier option?”
It’s late and I’m enjoying this movie. Should I just stay up and finish it or go to bed? “What is the healthier option?”
I didn’t always make the healthier decision – I watched a lot of late movies. I found this question was less about consistent choices and more about honest choices, transparent choices. If I had a piece of chocolate instead of a piece of fruit then my unhealthy choice was a lot more evident. I mean, it was chocolate!
I got better at asking the right question for the right situation. Some questions needed to motivate, some needed to be impartial, others needed to support. To begin with it was an effort to find the right way to frame things, but like any muscle that is exercised often, it became easier with practice.
What one question will you ask yourself today, and tomorrow, and the day after, to provide the encouragement and support you need in this moment?
